Seeking the light Part 3

Tyler Durden: I see all this potential, and I see it squandered. God damn it, an entire generation pumping gas, waiting tables – slaves with white collars. Advertising has us chasing cars and clothes, working jobs we hate so we can buy shit we don’t need. We’re the middle children of history, man. No purpose or place. We have no Great War. No Great Depression. Our great war is a spiritual war… Our great depression is our lives. We’ve all been raised on television to believe that one day we’d all be millionaires, and movie gods, and rock stars, but we won’t. We’re slowly learning that fact. And we’re very, very pissed off.

Fight Club

*****

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Nirvana literally  means “cool” or “to extinguish” I looked it up, it is the state of ultimate freedom, freedom from sorrow but also freedom from happiness.   To escape from the woven web.  Call me a weirdo but I find this all quite fasinating.   I think if you were to ask the average person what they would wish for if they had a magic génie  in a lamp ( other than world peace, which in my opinion is vertually impossible) they would reply ‘to be happy’

.  The illusive happiness pill I’ve been seeking, I have begun to realise is a fallacy that doesn’t actually truly exist, how can anyone be happy all the time? That would be insane.  So in my thinking about happiness and what it means to me I have had deep thoughts … deep thoughts  on the actual beleiving of WHAT will make me happy, & the seeking of What will make me happy …. you still with me?

Wants verses needs – let me give an example, I’m using me as an example because I figure I cannot be so strange that others don’t do the things that I do ,,, right?   So for example, I like to buy things, I can be seduced by advertising and the things I see that I desire, what catches my eye, be it online or out in the real world.  Instagram is a bugger cause it’s like dangling the carrot of temptation,  crafty temptation.  I’ll Part with the dosh I worked hard for, cause I earned this right, this pleasure, this thing I’m purchasing to make me happy, I earnt that happiness through hard work.  I get my purchase home and sure it makes me happy, for an hour or two, maybe even a day or two, then I start seeking that happiness feeling again, well I’ve worked hard, I’ve earned it, I deserve that happiness,  right? But I don’t need all these things …

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There is another kind of happiness, for example, (using me as an example again….. you dear reader,  may have a different  happiness thingy,) when old people smile at you when you pass them, that makes me so happy, pottering in my garden, sewing, hearing the birds sing, the first signs of Spring, bluebell woods ..etc … you getting me?  none of these things can be bought, they are quite unexpected and they are not labelled ‘happiness’  … forced happiness is the sort that you have to buy, or the one you want, you desire to have, it can be cloaked in disguise,  like a wolf in sheeps clothing.. come get me, own me, I’ll make you happy…eg … if I have that watch I’ll be happy, if I have this I’ll be happy, if I have that, I’ll be happy, if only I could achieve such and such,  I’ll be happy ……

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Maybe I reached my own personal Nirvana, on a very me level, as I realised happiness cannot be owned, happiness Is it’s own Master

A Wil – ‘o – the Wisp

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It exists

but

you cannot seek it

you cannot buy it

you do not find it

But if you breath and take a step back

open your eyes and stop wanting

Happiness sometimes finds you .

to be continued xx

Seeking the light part 2

Sewing for me is a kind of meditation, I’ve sewn for as long as I was able to hold a needle.  I guess in the beginning I watched my Mum and she taught me.  I made clothes for my dollies and teddies.  I progressed to her old sewing machine which was pale blue I remember. I’ve pretty much always sewn, as a teenager I altered more than made, I loved second hand and vintage then.   As a mum I made the odd thing but it wasn’t until I had a bit more me time I started teaching myself to sew clothes.

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Its good for me in the respect that it holds my attention and is challenging enough but I can do it.  Although at first the things I made where awful and I never wore any of them.

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 Like anything if you practice you get better, and I sewed things from old curtains from jumble sales, so I didn’t go wasting a whole lot of money.   Weirdly I’m hopeless with numbers and they scare me a lot,  but something about dressmaking seems to click.  I like that it’s sometimes hard and it tests me, there’s instructions to follow but you can be creative, & I love clothes! It kind of ticks all the boxes.

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This my Beltane skirt, it’s got shirring to hold it up and it’s a basic bob standard easy peasy skirt shape.  I used my new overlocker which worked fine, and was quite impressed that I managed to thread it!  These are the things I need to concentrate on, I need this focus and I’m learning that …. slowly  x

seeking the light ~ Part 1

I didn’t find out until I was 46 that my Nanna suffered with depression and mental health issues.  Forty six years into my life and my Mum tells me the story of coming home from school and her Mum, my Nanna still being in bed and not being able to get her out of bed.  In some ways it kind of made me feel better, which then made me feel bad. I have her passport, which I inherited in a tin of old photographs, Im not sure she ever used it, I think she found life difficult, people difficult, I think she found it hard to go out. Knowing that this little rosy cheeked smiling lady who I loved very much and who seemed so cheerful couldn’t get out of bed to face her day, made me feel so much better about me.  It made me see the world  differently like someone had turned it on its head and I was viewing it from the other way round.  Maybe it was a turning point, maybe it was the beginning of thinking its OK, or maybe a whole lot of things happened to make me realize its OK.

Thanks Nanna today I got out of bed.

The Apple blossom is out on the old apple tree and the plants are growing.  I put the washing out then drove to help Anne, on the way it started to rain, and I thought – good job I put the washing out….

Anne was sad cause her hip hurt, she was sat in her reclining chair and I thought she looked sad, we chatted, normally I do her gardening but it was raining so I dusted and hoovered and washed the kitchen floor, filled up the bird feeder and then came home.

Rosie had got the washing in, I felt happy.

I decided to start writing again, maybe it would be good.  Took Rosie to her friends went to the supermarket bought orange juice, forgot the lettuce, which is what I went in for.  Started cooking tea and decided to write about my Nanna.

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Life the universe and …..light switches in dark places.

Gosh I’m not quite sure what I’m doing here or even where I’ve been, I do know I’ve been to  some dark corners in my brain, like entering a very dark room in a strange old house in the depth of the darkest part of night and knowing that somewhere there is a light switch, if only you could just find it…

I re instated this blog about a month a go, I’d had thoughts of coming back to the written word, and then had thoughts on the lines of how absurd what could you possibly have to say that would interest anyone when you mess up your life so very often.  But here’s the thing, maybe I’m not the only one! who blunders and bumps through life… is that not a life after-all?

So I have decided that, it is time to stop grovelling for the light switch, I decided to sit it out and wait til morning and see for myself where that darn light switch was, as no one not the dearest loveliest people or persons can help you if you do not help yourself.

So the purpose of this blog will be…. for me, so very selfish I know, you may read it, you may not that is entirely up to you…

Every new year I start with thoughts of this Year being a grand one, the best yet, so full of hope and possibilities, silly silly me, had it all wrong, how can a year be all perfect with no hiccups?  just getting through a day is good enough, just getting out of bed…. so this is my each day at a time, each minute at a time, record of fuck ups and hallelujahs ,  of threatening apocalypses, of crazy mind stuff.. maybe some sewing too, you just never know.

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More tales from the garden 🍂 Autumn 🍂

The last of the apples fall from the old apple tree, October bids its farewell for another year in a fanfare of orange, copper and gold.

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November …

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finds me picking up the wind falls, raking leaves and generally tidying.  It’s been fairly mild but they say that the weather is turning colder in the next few days, i’m expecting that after the first proper frost things are going to start to look very different.

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For now there are still a few brave flowers hanging on in there, and its all looking very Autumnal.

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I put the pumpkin out on the back wall, he seems quite happy there, doing what he does best.

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Im thinking …. hibernating thoughts.

I’ve made…. Apple chutney.

I’m making …. another doll (shes of the woods and trees).

I’ve just finished …Gone Girl.

I’m about to read … The Guest Cat by Takashi Hiraide.

I need … to prune the roses.

I want …. to make up my mind.

I’m hoping … for a sign.

 

🍂 Inger 🍂

Inger …..who falls down into the underworld for pulling the wings off insects .. and other unkindly acts … captured by the Marsh Wife who embroiders lies, and strings together all the idle words which fall to the ground, to make mischief of them. ~ the girl who trod on a loaf ~ Hans Christian Anderson ~ she’s not all bad in the end ……

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The Day the Circus came to Town …….

Little Circus Wagon, home to Old Grey the Circus Elephant, who dreams of one day going back to his real home, where his memory takes him at the end of each Big Top show….For as you know Elephants never, ever forget ……

 

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Old Grey & his Circus Wagon

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The Little Romani Vardo & Old Grey’s Circus Wagon, the day the Circus came to Town….

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The End

Garden update Part 2 Mostly June

 

Catching up on the garden posts, its been a busy time, spent outdoors.  Progress has been huge, and all our hard work has been so worth it.

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June 1st top ~ May 1st bottom pic

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June 1st

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June the Delphiniums flowered

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Under the Apple tree in June

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May and the Sweet Pea Bedstead

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June and the Sweet pea bedstead

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June Delphiniums and foxgloves

 

And the Lupins…..

And then the rain fell and the winds blew, for about two weeks solid ….the delphiniums, foxgloves and lupins suffered big time from the british weather…

But all was not lost…. to be continued